More Like This, Please
13 Feb 2013 1 Comment
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Let’s play a little game together. Right now, where ever you are, I want you to take a moment and look around the room you’re in, and find everything you can see that is the color green. No matter how big or small it is, look for and notice as many green things as you possibly can. I’ll wait.
Did you do it?
Good.
Were you surprised by how many green things you hadn’t really seen before? Maybe little details started popping out at you, like a tiny leaf in a picture, or a pencil eraser, or a paperclip. Did you also notice how your mind started to draw your eye to things that were a shade of blue or grey or yellow, that were almost green?
Now, let me ask you, without taking a look around again: While you were looking for all of the green things, how many things did you see around you that are red? My guess is, not nearly as many as green things, right?
Now, take a look around for the red things. Oh, look! They’re all over! And how about the oranges and pinks and purples that are almost red? There they are!
This works anywhere. It’s the same thing that happens when you begin to drive a new car, and it suddenly seems that there are so many more of that same car on the roads than there were before you drove one. Or, when you first learn that you’re having a baby, and suddenly pregnant bellies are everywhere. So, why does this happen?
It’s really all a matter of where we allow our attention to go. As human beings, our brain is capable of taking in far more information than we can consciously process all at once. So, we take more notice of what we choose to pay attention to.
Where we choose to focus our attention determines what we notice more of. It’s like listening to music while sitting at home – we notice the lyrics and the sound of the notes far more than we notice the sounds of the floorboards creaking, and the wind blowing outside, and the fish tank bubbling in the corner, and the dishwasher running in the next room. All of these things exist, and we can hear all of them at once, but where we’re consciously choosing to place our attention is on the music we’re enjoying.
Now here’s another one: I invite you to remember a moment in the last six months when you felt truly content. It can be anything. It doesn’t have to be a major life event. It can be as small as getting a hug from a good friend, or taking the first bite of a truly enjoyable meal. Remember what it felt like to be in that moment. As you focus on that memory, recalling exactly how right and good you felt, I invite you to notice the response to the recalling of that moment that happens in your body.
Maybe you noticed that the tension in your shoulders released a bit, or your breathing became a little softer and deeper, or your heart rate slowed down and you sighed. Even though this particular moment may have happened weeks ago, you were probably able to feel a little more content, like you did then, just by thinking of it again.
Where we choose to place our attention determines what we see, or hear, or feel more of, right now. An interesting effect follows this – just like noticing the “almost greens” – where our attention goes, our intention follows. This means that when we’re making the choice to look for more positive experiences, we begin to actually experience more positives, simply because we began to notice them. It’s almost as if a magic switch inside of us gets flipped, and suddenly more and more good begins to come our way!
The possibilities for more peace, less stress, more joy, and more well-being exist around us all the time. When we notice happiness, we begin to live in more happiness. When we notice kindness, we experience more kindness. When we notice more peace, we invite more peace. We can choose this consciously, every day, at any time, by saying “in this moment, I choose now to feel more like I did when…”, and it works. In time, this becomes habit, and can be life changing.
We can intentionally nurture this way of living by simply beginning to notice the moments in which we are already feeling joy, comfort, love, safety, awe, and wonder. Catch yourself in moments of feeling good, and simply state, “More like this, please!” Notice what this good feeling is like in your body – your soft shoulders, your relaxed jaw, the open feeling in your chest.
Choose to consciously anchor this feeling as a clear memory, so that you now have it in your memory banks to call upon. It doesn’t really matter whether the moment you are choosing to anchor is a big, “Oh, WOW!” or is simply that moment of calm pleasure when you walk outside and notice that the air is warmer than it was yesterday, and the breeze feels nice. “More like this, please”. It’s a way of directing of your attention, and a focusing of your intention, and expressing a willingness to experience even more that is just like that.
For a positive and empowered birth (or parenting or relationship or business or life) experience, begin noticing the positives that surround you now, and claim them for yourself. Notice the things that are already like exactly what you hope for.
Begin with “I am at peace”, and notice the moments of peace, even in the stressful day. Affirm to yourself, “I choose joy”, and notice the happiness. Focus on “I am loved and appreciated”, and count all the colors and forms that love takes in this day. Declare “I am safe”, and notice the calm, and the trust that grows. They are already there, already within and surrounding you, and always available.
Embrace the power of making a conscious choice, and watch it begin to happen. It is up to you to see them, just like all the shades of green.
More like this, please!
Doula-ing the Grieving Mother
10 Feb 2013 4 Comments
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As mentioned in last week’s post The Downside of Doula-ing, a large though unanticipated portion of our role as doulas is being fully present in times of grief and pain. Births don’t always go as expected or hoped for. Not every baby is born healthy and thriving. Not every pregnancy reaches full-term. Not every baby survives the process of birth, leaving bereaved mamas and papas to struggle in a storm of powerful and frightening emotions. For mamas, this is intensified by the swirling hormone shifts that follow any birth, and is sometimes made even harder by the physical process of recovering from surgical procedures that may have also been necessary. They may feel depression, anger, and guilt. They may feel isolated and alone in their grief. Having their doula to lean on can be part of the healing process.
As doulas, loving deeply and compassionately is part of our innate gifts that have called us into a life of service. Even so, it is hard to know what to say or do when someone we care about so much is grieving. We’re afraid of intruding, or saying the wrong thing, or making our mama feel even worse. We feel helpless, knowing that there’s little we can do to make it better. While we can’t take away the pain of a loss, we can still show up fully in providing comfort and support in the unique way that doulas know.
Don’t let your discomfort stop you from reaching out. Now, more than ever, your support is needed. We don’t need to have advice or the right answers. The most important thing we can do, just as we do for birth, is to just show up. Simply being there, as a loving presence, can help our mamas cope with the pain of loss as much as it helps cope with the pain of labor.
The better we understand how grieving happens, the better we can support someone who is in the process of healing. Supporting normal grief has many parallels to supporting normal birth. As people skilled in birth support, in grief support there are a few factors that are important to remember.
Just as there is no right way or wrong way to birth, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Grief, like birth, doesn’t have to happen in normal, predictable, measurable stages. Like birth, it can be messy, with highs and lows, moments of ease, moments of silence and of wailing, of forward motion and setbacks. Everyone experiences this differently. Mamas need reassurance that there are no “shoulds” about how they feel.
Grief includes intense emotions and behaviors. A grieving person may withdraw from the world, lash out at loved ones, have times of feeling normal and times of feeling completely numb. She may try to make jokes, or may cry for hours on end. It’s important to reassure our mamas that this rollercoaster, as hard as it is, is normal. As doulas, we have the skills to remain in non-judgment, and take nothing personally.
Just as there is no set timetable for birth, there is no set timetable for healing. Recovery from grief may take weeks, months, or years. There will be people who convey the message to grieving parents that they have been grieving for too long. Don’t be one of them.
Be genuine and honest in your communication, and respect that the grieving process, just like her birth, belongs to her. We can offer support in saying, “I’m so sorry this happened. I’m not sure what to say. I want you to know that I care. Tell me how I can support you.” She may not know what support she would like, and that’s also normal. If you, as doula, are having your own normal feelings of grieving and healing, seek out your own support people for your inner healing work. It is not the mama’s job to hold space for you or anyone else. Many grieving parents express that people who call or visit, while intending to share their loving concern, are really looking for the parents to reassure them that everything is ok, when it isn’t. We can continue to let our mamas know that we honor and value their rawness and their honesty. Without forcing her to open up, let her know that she has permission to talk about her loss. We can begin by simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?” Follow her lead when she’s ready, and talk candidly about her birth and her baby. If she has lost a child, whether early on or at full term, don’t be afraid to talk about her baby by name, if a name has been chosen and shared with you. “When Sophia was born…”, “When you were pregnant with Karl…”, “Olivia’s birth taught me…” This name is etched forever in a parent’s heart, and hearing it will provide comfort and assurance that her child and her birth experience are real and will not be forgotten.
Listen with compassion. Almost everyone wonders and worries about the right things to say, when knowing how to listen is so much more important. Let her know that it’s ok to talk, to cry, to feel angry, to melt down. Well-meaning loved ones will often avoid talking about a difficult birth, or the loss of a baby. A mama may need to know that her grief is not too terrible to talk about – that you will not run away from it. Sometimes, it may be just as powerfully comforting to not talk, to sit in silence together, to offer support by being present through the meeting of our eyes or offering a hand to hold through the moments in which there are no words that will come. We have no need to offer unsolicited advice, compare her experience to anyone else’s, or claim to understand her experience. As doulas, our strength is in our willingness to show up, and simply be present with what is real in this moment.
Know what NOT to say. “I know how you feel.” You can’t possibly. No one can. Her feelings are hers alone, and may change from moment to moment. Better to ask how she’s feeling, and be prepared that she may not have an answer for that. “This is part of God’s plan.” OR “He’s in a better place” OR anything else that reflects your personal belief system. These may not be a comforting thing to hear. They may not fit at all with this family’s beliefs. They deny the emotions that are genuinely felt, and may even evoke anger. Best to keep your beliefs to yourself, and find your own comfort in them. “Look at what you have to be thankful for.” Chances are she knows this already. Yes, she’s alive, or maybe she does have a healthy baby, and she and her partner still have each other, or other children, or another chance. The time will come to think about these things. Right now, that’s not important. “You should…” or “You will…” Nobody needs judgments or to be told what to do. If you have information to share, and you are sure it is welcome and asked for, it is best to begin it with “One option is…”, or “You might consider…”, with no pressure or expectation.
Know how to offer real help. Many people will say, “Tell me if there’s anything I can do.” Keep in mind that a person in grief may not have the energy or motivation to even know how to ask, or what to ask for. They might feel guilty or uncomfortable for being on the receiving end of so much attention. It’s better to be willing to be one to take the initiative and to check in. “I’m stopping by the store on the way. What do you need?” may be an easier question to answer. Drop off food, throw in a load of laundry, or do the dishes that are in the sink without being asked. Keep visits short, unless you have been asked to come and stay a while.
Provide ongoing support, as needed. Grief can last much longer than most people may expect. Grief may be there long after the cards, calls, and flowers have stopped. Stay in touch, and let it be known that you are still there, long after the initial shock has worn off. Avoid saying “You look great.” Appearances can be deceiving, and it’s important for her to know that there’s no pressure to hide her feelings through keeping up appearances. Know that her life may not ever feel the same. The pain may lessen over time, and life does go on, but the sadness may not ever completely fade away. Know that some days, like holidays and birthdays, may be especially vulnerable, and reach out and check in if you are able. Let her know that you are still there, caring about her. She may not ever take you up on an offer for help, but knowing that her doula’s support is available may matter more than you know.
Watch for red flags. It is common for a healing person to feel sad, depressed, disconnected, and even a little lost in the chaos of the emotional whirlwind of grief. If, as weeks progress, she seems to feel worse instead of better, cannot function through daily life, begins to ignore basic self-care such as hygiene, or begins to talk of suicide or self-harm, these may be signs that more heavy-duty professional help is needed. As always, medical judgment calls are way beyond the doula’s scope of practice. Though necessary, it can be difficult to express your concerns without being invasive or intrusive. It’s ok to share your thoughts from your own point of view, without “shoulds” or telling her what to do. “I’m troubled that these thoughts you mention are keeping you from being able to eat or sleep. Have you considered mentioning this to your doctor?”
Take excellent care of yourself. As doulas, our love is our power. We show up fully, knowing that the unexpected is part of life, just as birth is part of life, and we love with our hearts wide open. This is part of the journey that we have accepted, when we choose to walk the doula path. There is a lesson in supporting a grieving mother – or any mother – one of knowing how to give, without becoming used up and given out. Remember that this is her experience. It is yours to witness, but not to fix. She will have her own community, her own family, her own care providers, and her own experience. Take care of yourself, and your own gentle, loving and compassionate heart as you experience what it is to support a mama in whatever form her birth may take. Remember to pay attention to your own feelings. Seek out your mentors, your wise women in counsel, and your own care providers as needed. Check in with yourself on your own basic needs – nourishment of both the physical and spiritual, hydration, self-expression, sleep. Pay attention to how your needs are being sufficiently met, so that you are filled up enough to have caring to give to your own family, to your own community, to this mama and the many others who may come your way.
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The Downside of Doula-ing
02 Feb 2013 44 Comments
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Usually, I write about births, and I’m focused on parents preparing for birth. Today is a little different. Today, I have thoughts to share with the doulas and birth professionals, my sisters and brothers who share in the experience of caring for birthing women.
When I first felt called to become a doula, I imagined the joy of witnessing the happiest and most memorable day of a mother’s life again and again. I knew that it would be a blessing and an honor to hold the sacred space for the passage of a new life into the world. That was absolutely right, and remains true to this day, as hundreds of babies later, I am still moved to tears almost every time.
I hadn’t imagined this amazing work having a downside. It’s mothers and fathers and babies! It’s Happy Birthdays and awe and wonder! How can there be any shadow to that? I have learned, over the years, that most women who train to be doulas stay in the field for less than two years. There is an incredibly high burnout rate among labor support professionals. Having spent several years now working with my own mentors, and supporting newer doulas as they go along their own doula path, it seems there are a few bumps we all experience along the way.
If you are starting out as a birth professional, or are considering becoming one, I want you to know that these things happen. It’s healthy to be prepared for them, and it’s important that we talk about them with one another as part of our Self Care. Holding in our tension, our grief, our stress and our own processes is exactly where burnout comes from. In fourteen years and 400 births, I have learned that we’ve all experienced some of the same rough spots.
1) We’re human, and we’re superheroes. A full-time doula’s schedule can be brutal. It’s intense. Any day, any time, we are ready to lift right out of whatever we may be doing. When someone gives the “come now”, like Superman hearing a call for help, we drop everything, make a quick change, and show up. Births can be long. We need rest and food – two things that aren’t always easily afforded when supporting a laboring woman. She is allowed to be grumpy and tired. You are not. She’s irritable and demanding. She’s due-any-day and a basket case. It is not acceptable for you to be so. You had a rough day? Trouble in paradise? Doesn’t matter. Hang your personal life on a hook outside the door when you walk in, and be fully present.
2) We get attached. The skill of non-attachment is required, and it’s not easy. You will experience the “bump” and the resulting swirling feelings that happen the first time (or first several hundred times, depending on how much time your learning takes) that a mama doesn’t take your advice, or disagrees with something that may be important to you. You might feel frustrated, or feel rejected, or be tempted to take something personally. Your buttons are going to get pushed, sometimes very hard. You cannot decide what she will do – you may only decide what you will do. You may have to remind yourself repeatedly “This is not my birth. This is not my birth. This is NOT MY BIRTH.” It really isn’t. It’s hers, completely, and it’s your responsibility to let her have her own experience. It’s our job to present the information as objectively as we can, and allow her to make her own best decision. Regardless of her birth story or outcome, if she knows what choices she has available and understands that she has the power to speak up, we’ve done our job. The end.
3) Our mamas are human, too. We get the honor of being present for one of a woman’s most raw and vulnerable life experiences. This is a privilege, no question. It is huge to be in that place of trust. Most of the time, this means that we get to play an integral role in someone’s most precious memories. Though birth is profoundly beautiful every time, the truth is, it’s not always pretty. Women will show up for labor exactly as they show up in life. Every woman has an entire life story that has taken place prior to meeting you, and as her doula, you often won’t know more than the tip of the iceberg. She has her own habits and her own core beliefs – about birth, about her own strength, about power and control – that will play out during her birth time. One in four women has experienced abuse in her lifetime. Marriages aren’t always functional. Friends and relations present in the birth space aren’t always supportive. Sometimes, if it is part of how she lives, a mama will be looking for someone to resist or to blame, and doulas are easy targets. Sometimes, if it what she has learned to do, a woman will surrender her power to other people, even to her doula, and the expectation is there that the doula will tell her what to do. There is sometimes a spoken or unspoken expectation that a doula will be able to control people, emotions, or events that she simply cannot.
4) Doctors, Midwives, and Nurses? Also human. Some practitioners are bullies. Some practitioners have had negative experiences with other doulas, or with a laboring woman’s sisters or friends who call themselves “doulas”, and have negative feelings about doulas being present for their patients at all. Some may not have great communication skills. They might be busy, or snarky, or having an off day. They get bumped and triggered, too. As doulas, we’re the lowest folks on the totem pole in the birthing room. We have a responsibility for acting with politeness and respect toward every other professional in the room, regardless of our personal opinions, previous experiences, or inner reactions. We don’t tell them what to do, or how to do it – NOT OUR JOB. We get good at biting our tongues, or better yet, we can be a model for taking a deep breath, letting it go, and providing compassionate support for our mamas. That’s what we’re there for.
5) Sometimes, things just go wrong. We may want, with every fiber of our being, for every birth to go peacefully, happily, and well. We may do everything in our power to help this happen for every woman we can. Often, it does, and that joy is the best part of this doula gig. There are other times when the unthinkable happens. Medically necessary inductions aren’t always successful. A longed-for unmedicated birth becomes an unexpected cesarean birth. Husbands are caught in affairs or leave the marriage with no reason and no warning, leaving the mama to birth on her own. Dire medical emergencies occur. We witness abuse in relationships between mothers and daughters, or husbands and wives. We witness birth rape. Babies are diagnosed with conditions “not compatible with life”. Births become a time of grieving. We come prepared to support women through the physical pain of birth, but the tools we carry in our birth bags are useless for the breathtaking emotional pain that happens. Sometimes, a doula’s most powerful skill is to simply be the one who witnesses that, yes, something went very wrong. We hold space for a lot of pain and loss. This unanticipated aspect of the doula role is why many quit after the first undesired birth outcome.
In time, it becomes clear that when we give our YES to walking the doula path, we are giving a bigger YES than we expected to our own learning and growing more deeply than we may have ever thought possible. These challenges hold the potential to become the valuable life lessons that doula work has to offer. “I could get called away any minute” can also become “Be fully present and enjoy this moment, right now.” As we learn to make observations instead of placing judgments we learn that our feelings and reactions have nothing to do with the mama who is in labor, or her partner, or her doctor. Feelings belong to the person experiencing them, not the person who triggered them, and are indicators of what your lesson will be with this birth. In being gentle with our mamas, we learn to be gentle with ourselves. Learning to accept ourselves as “good enough” in the face of the desire to defend ourselves is our own work to do. The same is true for discovering our own core beliefs, recognizing where they differ from the stories of others, and allowing both to co-exist. We’ve been given an opportunity, in experiencing these bumps, these hard moments, and these feelings, to work on our own growth. That’s the gift that doula work gives us, again and again. These skills take time, sometimes a lot of it. It takes patience, and a willingness to work deeply with our inner selves. Reach out to your own support people. Do your own self-care work in whatever healthy way you know how. You’ll begin to see where these lessons – honoring boundaries, taking nothing personally, owning our own experiences – pop up in other places in your life, too. Keep it up. It gets easier with practice. We learn to hold space with love and compassion for someone else’s process, without making it our own. We witness the breaking points, and we learn to stretch without becoming broken. We grow stronger and become the rock our mamas need to lean on and reach out to, without their needing to worry (as they may with friends and family) that seeing their fear, their struggle, their vulnerability, their grief and their anger will tear us down or push us away. We support them in the process of learning that they, too, can stretch without breaking.
Each downfall, each dark side, each shadow is yet another opportunity to look within ourselves and ask, “What’s my lesson in this?” These lessons are the reward we receive from our wholehearted willingness to honor the rite of passage that is birthing a child. We can let them tear us down and burn us up, or we can learn, and grow, and be grateful. The choice is ours.
What have been your bumps, and your learning? What have your biggest lessons been? I’d love to hear you – please feel free to comment.
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The Power of Words
20 Jan 2013 1 Comment
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We all know that words are powerful. The right word at the right time has the power to build us up or tear us down. A word of kindness from a beloved, a word of criticism – these can reach us to our core. How important it is, then, to consider the power of language in the presence of pregnancy, labor, and birth.
The words we choose can be used to claim our power, or give it away. We can use words to tap into our inner strength, or deny that we have any strength at all. The act of transforming our daily language in small ways has a huge effect on our birth experience. With that in mind, there are a few common words that I invite birthing women and their companions to consider changing.
1) CAN’T: The woman who chants “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t'” may prove herself to be absolutely right. We can do most things we set our minds to. Consider, instead, the power of speaking from a place of choice. “I choose to…” or “I choose not to…” “It is in my best interest to”, rather than “I can’t do…” We have the power to make our own choices.
2) HAVE TO: “I don’t like my sister, but I have to have her in the room because…” Actually, no. There are no “have to’s”. Choose to, or choose not to. It’s your own decision. Own it.
3) SHOULD: We often give away our power due to what we “should” do. These are the places where we have allowed someone else’s judgement, an external story, take away our power to think for ourselves. Believe it or not, there are no “Should Police” who will come knocking at our doors to carry us away for not doing as we should. Doing as we should does very little to make anyone feel empowered or happy. Consider, instead, the power of voicing our preferences. “I would prefer to” or “I would prefer not to.” There are no shoulds.
4) TRY: Yoda said it best. “Do, or do not. There is no try.” “I am preparing for a natural birth.” “It is my intention to breastfeed.” Or, a powerful word in and of itself, “DESIRE”. “I desire to have a positive birth experience!” carries far more power than “I’m going to try.”
5) I DON’T KNOW: When this statement is used as the end-all, it denies the opportunity for learning to happen. “I don’t know” is not the end of a conversation, but the beginning of an opportunity. “I don’t know, AND I WILL FIND OUT” allows for a completely different experience. As an expression of self-doubt, “I don’t know if I can…” limits the possibility that can come from a place of belief. Consider, instead, the power of “I believe it is possible”, and “I am willing to learn how to”.
When we change our words, we change our lives!
Where are you choosing words that create limits, or give away your power? Where has choosing empowering words made a difference for you? I’d love to hear your experiences.
We Birth as Who We Are
17 Nov 2012 Leave a Comment
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“How you do anything is how you do everything.” – ancient proverb
Birthing a baby does not make us exempt from who we already are. Who we are when we’re birthing is the same person we will be at work, or shopping for groceries, or in traffic, or at dinner with friends, or on vacation. The intensity of the birth journey doesn’t change us – it just turns the volume all the way up.
The woman who is having the baby will be that woman in labor. The analyzer will analyze, the micromanager who cannot surrender control at work will refuse to let go of a single detail in the birth room. The woman who is half an hour late to every appointment will likely still be packing her birth bag before heading out the door. The woman who screams and swears at her husband about how he does the dishes will scream and swear about how he offers comfort measures. The woman who hates her mother or sister because it’s Tuesday will not be comforted by her presence in the birthing space. The woman who bases her self-esteem on the approval of others will look to how her support people think she did, and the perfectionist who truly believes that she can’t do anything right won’t be happy with her birth, no matter how beautifully everyone else in the room may think she did. The woman who believes that nothing good happens without a fight will find a challenge, while the one who has the skill set and knows that it’s ok to ask for what she wants, no emotional charge necessary, will find that her support people are happy to comply.
The woman who accepts change and goes with the flow will take one contraction at a time with grace, and accept change in the face of an emergency knowing that she is making the best decision available at the time. The introvert will appreciate quiet, and the extrovert will accept the support of being talked through.
To have a birth that is full of joy, know yourself. Know who you are bringing to the experience. What do you believe to be true about yourself, about your own birth, about the experience of birth? What you believe determines what your experience will be. If you want a calm and peaceful birth, start today on being a calm and peaceful woman. If you want loving support, start now on asking for what you need in a positive and constructive way. (Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication is a great place to begin). Begin today in practicing gratitude and celebrating even small accomplishments, and this will carry into your birth experience. Love yourself, deeply and completely, and you will love your baby, your birth, and your life.
So may it be.
Message to a Newborn
11 Oct 2012 1 Comment
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Wisdom and insight from a doula’s 16 year old son, in response to a question from his English teacher:
If you could offer a newborn baby one piece of advice, what would it be?
Think about it: You are directly influencing the life of a human being. What you say and do in that moment could shape the entire course of a person’s life. There are so many things that you could say, but you must choose one. In my case, it would be a combination of action and words. I would pick up the baby and hold it gently, so as to calm it and show it kindness, and say something along the lines of, “During your life, people will try to get the best of you. They will try their very hardest to make you feel like you are the most useless piece of garbage on the planet. Don’t let them get to you, but know that you are one of the most incredible beings on this planet. Be happy with what you have, who you are, and do the very best you can with what you are given.”
Zackary, you continue to bless and amaze me. I am grateful to get to be your mom.
Jodi’s “Woo-woo Hippiechick” Birth Affirmations that really do work
10 Oct 2012 2 Comments
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Sometimes, all a mama needs is a little encouragement. The right words at the right moment have the power to lift her out of fear, protect and restore her faith and trust in her body and her baby, and get through a difficult moment. As new-agey and hippiefied as they may sound, birth affirmations offered by a loving partner or support person can be exactly the right tool. Here are the ones I find myself saying most often:
You can do this. You already are.
Release, Breathe, Open.
Remember that you’re having a baby.
Your body is opening wide to let your baby out.
Your body is healthy and strong.
Soon you will meet your baby.
Everything here is exactly right.
Your body is loose and completely relaxed.
You are so strong.
Your body knows what to do. Breathe and let go.
Your body knows how. Your baby knows how.
That one is done now. Let that one go.
One wave at a time. That’s all you need to do.
Each surge brings your baby closer.
Your labor is strong because you are strong.
You are so safe.
All is well.
What Doulas Don’t Do
04 Oct 2012 5 Comments
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It’s often the first question I’m asked when a new mama calls. “So, I’ve heard about doulas, but what exactly is it that you… do?”
A doula is part of your support team for your birth. In a hospital birth setting, your doula works alongside your medical care provider (your doctor or midwife) and the hospital staff. Each person on this team has a different role. Your doctor or midwife takes on the responsibility for the well-being of you and your baby. The nurses are responsible for tracking mother and baby’s vital signs, recording appropriate information, and communicating these to your doctor or midwife, among countless other tasks. A doula provides encouragement, emotional and physical labor support, comfort measures for birth, and the informational support necessary for you to make your own informed decisions. It’s statistically well-documented that women who have doulas are far less likely to have cesarean births, epidurals, and other interventions for a myriad of reasons. Doulas help mamas feel safe and relaxed so her body can open.
Equally important is understanding what doulas do not do. This is sometimes a more difficult part to comprehend, and can be a point of contention even among doulas.
A doula can not make decisions for you, or tell you what to do. The births of my own three children are the only times that my personal opinion has had any bearing whatsoever. Each person, each birth, is unique. There is no “right” way to have a baby, there is only what is right for your birth of this baby.Your doula might remind you of what you have stated your priorities to be, such as trying a change in position before pain medication. She might ask questions about your preferences, or inform you of options. It remains the role of the mother and her partner to make their own best choices.
Sometimes, I feel nervous when I hear, “Oh, I really don’t like my doctor. He thinks I need a c-section. It’s a good thing I’ll have my doula there.” A doula cannot, should not, will not go to battle with a practitioner you aren’t liking, even if he or she is being a bully.A mother has every right to say that she wouldn’t like surgery, and to have that conversation with her practitioner, asking “What would need to happen to have your support for what I would prefer?”, or “Is there any medical reason why this is now necessary?” A mother has every right to ask “Why?”, to receive complete answers, and to say “No, thank you” to interventions that are not medically necessary. It is also the mother’s responsibility, long before the baby comes, to choose carefully a practitioner or group of practitioners that she knows she can trust to make sound medical judgement calls if it happens that her birth needs help.
Your doula cannot stop a c-section from happening, or refuse any interventions on your behalf, or even say “Jane doesn’t consent to that. It’s in her birth plan.” A doula is the lowest ranking girl in the birth room, as far as authority to call the shots goes. In fact, it is a breech in the doula’s code of ethics to speak to a practitioner on a mama’s behalf. This is also true of doulas choosing to speak to the medical professionals instead of to the mother and partner. The only result that will bring is the doula’s being asked to leave and not return to that hospital again, which serves the higher good of no one at all. A doula might say “Jane, you had mentioned that you had a question about getting baby skin-to-skin right away. Do you want to ask the doctor about that while she’s in the room?” Doulas are often skilled facilitators of conversations, like a moderator or other neutral party might be. The power to say “no”, however, rests in the hands of the birthing mother.
A doula’s role is to empower the mama to create her own birth by knowing her options and communicating her own desires. A doula provides the comfort, the passion, the encouragement, and the language to ask for what you want and need. Mama, your birth belongs to YOU. I want you to have a birth story that you are completely and utterly content remembering. I want you to know the bliss of feeling your own strength rising up like you’ve never known, to bring your child into the world in courage and wisdom. Don’t give that power away – not to your doula, not to anyone. It’s yours. Claim it, rise up to it, and take on the responsibility of creating your own birth. Speak up for yourself, even if your voice shakes. Your birth is worth it.
Gratitude Letter
18 Sep 2012 2 Comments
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Thank you, baby.
In a window of time in which my family has been grieving and tending to the details that gracefully hem the ending of one life, thank you for choosing perfect timing to allow me to show up fully present and eager for your birth. I told your mother that I had been talking to you for several days – believing that the angels could stand in “the spaces between us” to allow for this perfect moment. Thank you for your participation.
Thank you for the opportunity to once again celebrate the newness of life with tears of joy.
Thank you for choosing a beautiful family to welcome you with so much love, and the opportunity for this doula to know, once again, all the way down to her bones, that every night a child is born is a holy night. Thank you for the opportunity, once again in this lifetime, to know what it is to stand on holy ground.
Thank you for reminding me with absolute clarity why I wake every day and give my whole-hearted YES to walking this path.
Thank you for your part in the the affirmation from the Universe, yet again, that Things Work Out. They always do. When our yes is absolute, and we trust in the process, the way becomes open for the steps to happen with grace, and peace, and ease. Thank you for reminding me that I Know That I Know.
Your life is already a blessing to so many. May you be richly blessed in abundance in return.
With love,
Jodi
To Judge or To Love
15 Sep 2012 Leave a Comment
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We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are powerful, we are strong, we are able. We see the need for change, and it’s up to us to make it happen – in our lives, in our homes, in our world. We are the women who step up in our mothering. We are the daughters, the lovers, the sisters and friends who show up in our lives with integrity, authenticity, truth and strength. We stand up for the right to speak and be heard – the right for women to birth as we wish, to live as we wish, to teach our children as we wish. We take personally the responsibility to send our children forth as living arrows into the world, to create the change we wish to see – to create new paradigms of power in a good way, with love for all, with respect for all, with integrity for all. It is no small task, and we choose our every step wisely.
This is not an easy path – to forge a world of mindfulness, loving kindness, and compassion, when those who have gone before us have left no template behind. We struggle. We mess up. We grieve, we mourn. We feel small – so, so small – and vulnerable. We question, and we falter. We face the critics – those on the outside, and sometimes far worse – those inner critics that tell us that it will never happen. You can’t do it. You don’t know how. You won’t do it right. Give up now before you make a fool of yourself. People will think you’re crazy.
This is why we have to be in it together. Life is messy. The beginning of life – birth from a woman – is messy. It’s bloody, and raw, and vulnerable, and tear-filled. We cry out, we call on strength greater than we’ve ever known, we doubt our ability to do it at all. And yet – there’s love – so much love, and unimaginable joy. Even in the pain, the struggle, the challenge, there are moments of bursting open with love unlike we’ve ever known. Love is our greatest strength. Love is always more than enough. Love needs no reason. Love doesn’t need to make sense, or have all of the answers. It just IS, within us, around us, connecting us, and covering us.
We are in it together so that when you are at the end of your rope, I can be beside you to say “I have a little rope left today. Hand it to me.” We are in it together to be a rock for one another to stand on, and a soft place for each other to land. We are in it together so that when I reach the place of facing my own shadows and wondering if it’s worth it, there are sisters to bear witness and offer comfort. We are in it together so that when one mama says, “I can’t do it!”, there are three more to say “You can do this. You already are doing this. It’s ok to be scared. I believe in you.”
Women, we need each other. We need each other strong, and healthy, and nourished, and nurtured. Some steps on this journey will be hard. We will meet with pain and resistance – some from within, some from others. Our choices may differ, but the questions we ask are the same. Can I do this? Am I doing it right? Do you see me? Do you hear me? We have the choice, always, to judge or to love. We have the choice, always, to believe that we are all doing our best, even in moments when our best may not look very good to anyone else. We have the choice, always, to say “I did that better than you” or to choose to see with brilliant honesty that, “Yes, I’ve been there too. I’ve felt that way. It gets better, and here is my hand until it does.”
Not one of us alone can be strong enough for all. Together, each giving what she can and asking for what she needs, we are strong. Together, we are always more than enough. Together, we are powerful. Together, we are souls filled to overflowing. Together, we can change the world. We can do it. We already are. I believe in you. I believe in us. And so may it be.
